Life hurls realities at us on a continuous basis. Some of the stones are as colossal as rouge asteroids floating around in the rigid darkness of vast space. There is a constant battle for relevance that begins as soon as we exit the womb; when we are cast into an existence molded by historical events that yield laws we are expected to embrace, conform to, and follow. Though promoted by the conspiracy theorist on an, often, paranoid level, individual thinking gets overshadowed by mass media produced promotions that are subconscious dictations by the powers that be.
I remember taking the “blue” pill [figuratively speaking] back in grade-school. When self-awareness revealed itself in the form of homosexual desires, innocence received it’s first mental-alteration. I recall a particular sleep-over at a childhood friend’s home. I was laying across one of the twin-beds in his room, and he was laying across the other. Since this occurred several decades ago, I only remember the meat of that uncomfortable discussion.
Dressed only in pajamas, we joked and laughed about random childhood topics and experiences. As the discussion entered into the second hour, the subject of girls came up. This is when awkward appeared and slapped me hard on the nose. It seemed my friend had a crush on one of our classmates, a girl whose name I don’t remember. I listened intuitively as he described, in physical detail, what he liked about her looks. Shockingly, I noticed how disinterested I was in the topic of the girls he went into overdrive talking about.
After hearing enough, I chimed in and announced that I wanted to marry a man when I grew up. The confused look on his face is one I have never forgotten. “Ewwwwww!,” was his response of disagreement. Realizing I had admitted to something that I should not have admitted to, I backed out of my outburst with the grace of a dancer after the dance.
“I was only playing, dude! I just wanted to see what you would say,” I nervously countered.
It was the first time I masked my true sexual identity, and it triggered an instantaneous wall that I hid safely behind well into my 30’s.