I remember how it used to be — how it used to be before I learned to fly. I was grounded. My world was so small. My twenty-four hour existence was centralized around a cheap, generic, white porcelain dinner plate. These desolate decades of excess, once decadent and fun, eventually became dark and consuming. During these times I often gazed up towards the heavens. At night I would marvel at the brilliant stars glimmering in the darkness, and throughout the day I would lose myself in the allure of crisp blue skies and an intoxicating gentle breeze, and I’d pray desperately for salvation.
“Save me,” I’d utter obsessively.
“If you love me,” I’d plead.
“The one thing I want, you won’t give to me,” I’d cry.
“Please take me home;” Broken, I would request.
I was enamored with a high life that never allowed me to leave the ground, and I accepted what I thought was freedom, for in my distorted thoughts I was airborne every time I indulged and felt that drain hitting the back of my hungry throat. My nose would burn, and my eyes would water. There was an instant numbing effect. These were the psychotic times of insanity and delusion. You see, I was no longer a Private; no, I was an addict First Class, and I always had the white lines to prove it.
I speak often about these tumultuous times, because I never want to forget where I was and the delirious state of mind I was in on the flight of the fool. I also share my sorted tale, so that someone reading this will see that they too can find serenity and peace, if they are willing to go to any lengths to maintain and sustain a successful recovery.
Looking back, I realize that I often sat by the emergency door, just in case I decided to pull the release and leap towards true freedom, or dive towards a liberating death. I can honestly say that I never used that emergency door either way; instead, I responded to a kind voice at the other end of a phone to escape the incomprehensible demoralization that had become my life.
I had taken the flight of the fool many times before surrendering to A Power Greater than myself. I came to believe that this Power could restore me from insanity. I followed 12 Steps and !2 Principles towards a freedom I longed for, and these days I fly with the wisdom of others like me; examples set by others who followed the 12 & 12.
I fly with the winners.
G||D 8|15|2015 © 2015