I love my family, even when I don’t love my family. Family has the upper hand when it comes to knowing you, and your character flaws. It’s because, for the most part, they’ve been around you all your life. For the longest time I struggled with depression and a poor sense of self-worth — struggles which led to a very bad addiction to cocaine and alcohol.
For many years this addiction took precedence over everything. Every move I made was centered around having enough money to score some dope. Fortunately there was enough of the original blank slate left of me, so I was able to find my way back to a clear head and a better spiritual disposition. One thing very real to me was the fact that, if I continued down the path I was on, I would not only be spiritually broken, I’d be all the way dead.
Much of my reflections usually include recounts of my struggles with addiction. I suppose it’s because, even with over 7 years of sobriety, I always want to remember to be grateful for my life, my happy life. That said, I am still on a path of continued growth. My sister and I got into a heated argument early last year about the care of our aging mother, and in my anger I lashed out at my sister in text. I said some pretty horrible things in that text — things I wish I could take back, but was too prideful to take back — at least at that moment.
It took damn near a year for us to get back on speaking terms, and I was the one that made the initial attempt; however, my sister was receptive to talking to me. During our first discussion you could feel the chill between us, but as the days, weeks, and months moved on, we eventually got back on full speaking terms. During our spat, my sister did say something about me that stuck with me to this day; she said I was too judgmental — said that’s why I didn’t have anybody, romantically, in my life. For whatever reason I chose to accept her honest assessment of me.
This whole sobriety thing for me is about growth, and I embrace personal critiques better than I ever have before — especially if there might be a smidgen of truth to them. I discovered I am not a perfect person, that nobody is perfect. I also know that not every perception of me is always correct, but I do try to decipher which is and which is not.
Above all else I do my best to remain humble and grateful about the blessings I have — blessings in the form of people, places, and things.