I want to talk about the trying days that scrape that last tender nerve — the precarious dangling nerve that has been beaten up, chewed up, crunched up, F’d up, messed up, and racked up by people, places, & things excessively. I’m talking about an uninvited chaos that reeks havoc on the spiritual, the mental, and the physical state of being. There’s currently a distress and unrest that are nagging me life fat mosquito’s; relentless and greedy for that last drop of blood. I wish I could tell you I’ve got it all under control, but my emotions are all over the place right now.
I am far from perfect. I know this. I damn sure don’t know the answers to everything, nor do I make the best decisions all of the times — hell, some of the decisions I make are downright foolish, but I embrace the fact that I am a grateful and capable work in progress. It took me a minute to get here, but damn, I’m here — here in this serene existence that I discovered after letting go of that rotten wretched life that nearly destroyed me.
With very little spiritual hope left in my soul, I let all ten fingers go and allowed myself to fall and hit rock bottom. There weren’t any distractions rock bottom. Nearly every material thing that I once valued was gone, and I welcomed the new emptiness with slummed shoulders and weepy eyes. I found hope in surrender. My life, my car, my job, my health insurance, and about three bag loads of old clothing are all I had to my name. They turned out to be the only bricks I needed to start rebuilding my life.
It took two years to regain and surpass where I was spiritually at my best back then. Each day I stay true to the formula that helped me attain a new found peace. Even on the days I am lazy, I still stick to that formula. I fellowship and read The Big Book. I have even started to work with others seeking to live a better life free from active addiction….
But what about the lingering remnants of stressors from the past — the ones that remained unchanged — the worries and troubles attached to the remaining people who are still part of my life? The good people I love and want in my life? The ones creating their own private miseries; who are unmotivated to change, unwilling to do the deep soul searching required to shift lanes from the mundane unfulfilled life?
I struggle making sense of how I am supposed to stay engaged with these people I love so much, when they shun logical suggestions and dismiss any ideas of participating in support groups or getting individual counseling to get to the root of what troubles them. It is not much of a battle anymore; keeping my distance from them, but I still feel somewhat guilty about choosing to live a better life and continuing to grow.
My very first real sponsor passed away this past week, and I am gearing up to attend the services which are truly a celebration of his life. I miss him already. He had many years of sobriety, and was like the pied piper of recovery. He helped hundreds of people obtain and maintain sobriety. He told me from the very beginning “your best days are still ahead of you,” and I believe him. I just wish he was still going to be here with me to help celebrate sobriety.
Men like him are a rare breed. If I can be even a 1/4 of the man he was in life, then I know my living will not be in vain.